stupid addiction. I should kick it, so I don't get withdrawal anymore

[silverai]

So, there's this friend of mine, who is rapidly becoming an aquantaince because I never see him. Said friend used to visit me quite a lot, and talk and talk and talk, and I used to love listening to him (and no, that was not meant sarcastically, I actually liked listening to him). Visits were usually less than two weeks apart, and hardly ever over a month.

Over time, he talked less, and wanted me to talk some too, even though I never had anything to say and was just happy to listen to him because I found all the stuff he talked about interesting. Then, due to stuff that shall remain history, I didn't see him again for about 2 years.

When I did see him again, it was natural to start listening again, and again he spoke about stuff I liked listening to. Visits were much further apart though.

Now, he's like an horrible on-again-off-again addiction. I see him and it's all happy, then he says he'll visit again soon, like next week or something, but he doesn't. So I go from sticking around home and restricting any time I spend away just in case he happens to visit while I'm out, to resenting him not saying a specific day that he'll come around so that I can go out the others days if I need to, and can know for sure I'll be there when he does come. Then I stop resenting him and just hope he'll visit the next week, which he doesn't. I start getting miserable, because I'm missing his company and all the stuff he talks about. About halfway through the second week, and into the third, I start hating myself for sticking around home so much, and caring if I miss his visit or not. So then I just go out and I don't care if I miss his visit, only the next week I'm kicking myself, because I probably missed it, and I'm really missing him, and really really really just wanting him to come visit already, godammit.

The pathetic thing is that he's probably the closest thing I have to a best friend, and has been for quite a few years. I don't really have anyone I can/want to talk to, but he still comforts me by being around and talking, and so is the closest thing to telling someone stuff. It's only in the last six months or so I've admitted to myself how much I appreciate him as a friend. Unfortunately, he has started to need me less and less, just as I've realised how much I appreciate/love/crave/need his presence in my life.

I resent being addicted to his visits, when it's not an addiction being fulfilled. Theoretically I could go visit him instead. In fact, the last time I saw him was because I went and visited him. It was odd though. It felt to me as if he found it odd, and not necessarily good, that I was contacting him instead. Also, I hear you saying that I should just tell him all this and it may resolve itself. Well, I don't talk to people any good when it comes to personal stuff like that, so it takes eating too much chocolate and drinking coke today to make me miserable enough to actually write about it in my livejournal instead of just clamming up about it like usual (I think it's the caffeine or something, because coffee and tea are no good for me either). I'm blaming the lack of good writing on the misery too, although that's probably more because if I stop and think about this and turn it into good writing, I'll end up deleting it instead of posting it.

Crispin will probably never read this anyway. I think I've faded out of his life.

Stupid addiction.

Comments

[tevriel.livejournal.com]

I'm really not sure what to say.

It sounds kind of unhealthy, more in the way that it's causing you misery rather than being all destructive... I don't know. Perhaps you should try and find some other way of fulfilling whatever need he represents.

*hugs*