Wedding confusing frustration venting
Thursday, January 21st, 2010 11:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silverai
Well! I sort of wanted to wait until the 500 day mark before gushing about just wedding stuff and nothing else, but a forum this morning set me off thinking about a post, and so here we here at the 506 day mark instead. How cool is that, 506? I've been counting using my Google countdown since before 1000 days, and now it's half that :D
Today's semi-angst is brought to you by: the guest list. We were thinking the guest list would be between 50-70 people (including ourselves and bridal party), depending on where we draw the people-invited/people-not-invited line. I haven't really been thinking about it too hard, although I did make a list of guests in December, with the "definite family", "definite friends", "want to friends", "should friends", "maybe friends", "maybe family", etc etc etc groups, so that I could get an idea of if the 50-70 mark was accurate. Friendships and closeness can change quite a lot over even a single year, plus meeting new people or getting to know old aquaintances better can easily happen, so why stress before I have to? HOWEVER, I have been...hm, not stressed...more like frustrated, yes, I have been frustrated lately with the whole guest thing - which I think is standard going for most weddings - due to the new possible venue changing the possibilties, and having a fresh conversation with Mum a couple of days ago, and then reading a thread on a forum where someone else was worried about it. The difficulty lies in where to draw the line? Zig and I are going for a big party style reception so far with self-catering, so no sit-down menu or $XX per head kinda of thing going on. And the new possible venue means I can expand up to 100 people if I so choose, as it's just a flat fee no matter how many people up to 100 are there. Our buffet catering style means it wouldn't be THAT much extra $$ to feed another 10-30 people. So it's all spinning in my head.
Why now? I'm starting to feel a little bit of urgency (just a tad, not much) about it, because I was thinking of maybe sending Save The Dates out at the one-year-to-go mark. Like in a magnet form or something that people can stick on their fridge. Over the years people keep asking when it is, and then expressing surprise that it's still so long. And the year mark is an exciting marker, and it would just be cool dammit! *heh* Remember, we set the wedding date for 2011, on the day we got engaged in 2007. Four years was our plan from the beginning, and we've always been able to name the date when people ask.
The gist of the spinning: If we just have ourselves, bridal party, immediate family, and the closest circle of friends, that's 50 people. Then if we add the core of the people who have come to my parties over the years and who I have been/are close to, that makes 70 people. (That was good enough before, no need to think too much further). But then Zig's cousins who we see at Xmas time were saying that with that much notice, they could fly back to Perth for it. And Mum wants me to invite my aunties and uncles, even though I never interacted with them much and haven't seen any of them for years and years and years. (Zig's one uncle and aunty aren't a problem, we see them a few times a year). And what about the people I invite to my parties but who I'm not very close to, or the people I used to be close to and come to my Halloween party every year, but never seem to reach out to me and I don't have much interaction with otherwise? And it's all so confusing, so then I think maybe it's better to stick to 50-70 people cos it's easier, except I know that these people would like to come, and if it's possible for me to do then why not?
Cousins: We do see them every year or two, and we get on well. But they are not the type of people we would normally interact with, and we only interact with them every Xmas or two, and it is quite a way for them to fly to something that won't the big standard typical stereotypical white wedding, and it may not be $XX per head, but every head does add?
Aunties and Uncles: Mum is right into family tree and stuff, so family is important to her heart. We've discussed the topic before, but Mum always seems to forget that I'm not planning on inviting the aunties and uncles, as to her it seems a given that wedding invitations include people like that. So everytime it comes up (only a few times so far) there's a sort of shock factor she gets, like a "oh, really? you're not? really?" sort of thing. Mum's point of view as far as I understand it is that my wedding happens only once and is a big event, and it would be so good to see them all again because they don't see them often, and if they don't get to come to my wedding then when will she/the family get to see them all again, etc. So far it's just been a discussion each time - no arguements or anything! But Zig doesn't see why we should invite people who aren't part of our life, and I tend to agree. But now that my possible new venue would easily allow more people, should I not just invite them, since I can see Mum's point of view and would mean stuff to her, even though I just don't feel the same way about it?
Friends (outside of the close-knit core of definites): Two main categories: People I invite to my parties but who I'm not very close to, or the people I used to be close to and come to my Halloween party every year, but never seem to reach out to me and I don't have much interaction with otherwise. If I do invite a few people in one of those categories, shouldn't I invited everyone who is in the same group with them cos they hang out together and they're all sort of in the same category? Or even invite everyone from the same category full stop? Just those two categories are so nebulous that it gets very confusing where the lines between them all are, it's very blurry. But then there's the people I don't invite to my parties because not all my friends get along with my other friends, and even though I'm sure they could all get along as adults for the sake of my wedding, there would still be that undercurrent of tension that would distract me on the day. And there's people I'm not close to, but would like to be, I just never seem to get the time to reach out the hand often enough to strengthen the friendship better. And because the lines are so blurry, the extra people in this category could be anywhere from 10, 30, or even maybe 50 people, which, when added in with the other confusing groups, most definitely pips the list over the 100 people that would be the limit as per our new possible venue. Added to which, again, Zig doesn't see why we should invite people who aren't part of our life, and I tend to agree, but it's a lot easier for him, he's mostly either close/good friends with friends/family, or they aren't - not by malicious design, but by natural effect of his personality type. No nebulous clouds of complicated relationships with friends for him! And how much interaction is required to draw the line between part-of-life and not? For some friends, I feel closer to them even though I only see them with year+ gaps in between than I do to people I see several times a year. This is the category I have the most trouble with - and also the one where I can see there's no point stressing too much yet because things can change so much, but I want to knoooooow and figure it ooooout better already.
I got time to think still, so I'm not really worried yet, it's just sorta confusing and frustrating, and so nebulous (that must be today's word) that it's hard to pin anything down, and I do like to have more cohesion and understanding and - dare I say it - a degree of control over things than that.
TL;DR
I write a whole big post about angst that wedding guest lists give, even though it's only mild for now, it just happens to be what I'm thinking about these last few days. And it all doesn't matter yet until May/June - and even then may not matter until up to six months before the wedding in June 2011.
Today's semi-angst is brought to you by: the guest list. We were thinking the guest list would be between 50-70 people (including ourselves and bridal party), depending on where we draw the people-invited/people-not-invited line. I haven't really been thinking about it too hard, although I did make a list of guests in December, with the "definite family", "definite friends", "want to friends", "should friends", "maybe friends", "maybe family", etc etc etc groups, so that I could get an idea of if the 50-70 mark was accurate. Friendships and closeness can change quite a lot over even a single year, plus meeting new people or getting to know old aquaintances better can easily happen, so why stress before I have to? HOWEVER, I have been...hm, not stressed...more like frustrated, yes, I have been frustrated lately with the whole guest thing - which I think is standard going for most weddings - due to the new possible venue changing the possibilties, and having a fresh conversation with Mum a couple of days ago, and then reading a thread on a forum where someone else was worried about it. The difficulty lies in where to draw the line? Zig and I are going for a big party style reception so far with self-catering, so no sit-down menu or $XX per head kinda of thing going on. And the new possible venue means I can expand up to 100 people if I so choose, as it's just a flat fee no matter how many people up to 100 are there. Our buffet catering style means it wouldn't be THAT much extra $$ to feed another 10-30 people. So it's all spinning in my head.
Why now? I'm starting to feel a little bit of urgency (just a tad, not much) about it, because I was thinking of maybe sending Save The Dates out at the one-year-to-go mark. Like in a magnet form or something that people can stick on their fridge. Over the years people keep asking when it is, and then expressing surprise that it's still so long. And the year mark is an exciting marker, and it would just be cool dammit! *heh* Remember, we set the wedding date for 2011, on the day we got engaged in 2007. Four years was our plan from the beginning, and we've always been able to name the date when people ask.
The gist of the spinning: If we just have ourselves, bridal party, immediate family, and the closest circle of friends, that's 50 people. Then if we add the core of the people who have come to my parties over the years and who I have been/are close to, that makes 70 people. (That was good enough before, no need to think too much further). But then Zig's cousins who we see at Xmas time were saying that with that much notice, they could fly back to Perth for it. And Mum wants me to invite my aunties and uncles, even though I never interacted with them much and haven't seen any of them for years and years and years. (Zig's one uncle and aunty aren't a problem, we see them a few times a year). And what about the people I invite to my parties but who I'm not very close to, or the people I used to be close to and come to my Halloween party every year, but never seem to reach out to me and I don't have much interaction with otherwise? And it's all so confusing, so then I think maybe it's better to stick to 50-70 people cos it's easier, except I know that these people would like to come, and if it's possible for me to do then why not?
Cousins: We do see them every year or two, and we get on well. But they are not the type of people we would normally interact with, and we only interact with them every Xmas or two, and it is quite a way for them to fly to something that won't the big standard typical stereotypical white wedding, and it may not be $XX per head, but every head does add?
Aunties and Uncles: Mum is right into family tree and stuff, so family is important to her heart. We've discussed the topic before, but Mum always seems to forget that I'm not planning on inviting the aunties and uncles, as to her it seems a given that wedding invitations include people like that. So everytime it comes up (only a few times so far) there's a sort of shock factor she gets, like a "oh, really? you're not? really?" sort of thing. Mum's point of view as far as I understand it is that my wedding happens only once and is a big event, and it would be so good to see them all again because they don't see them often, and if they don't get to come to my wedding then when will she/the family get to see them all again, etc. So far it's just been a discussion each time - no arguements or anything! But Zig doesn't see why we should invite people who aren't part of our life, and I tend to agree. But now that my possible new venue would easily allow more people, should I not just invite them, since I can see Mum's point of view and would mean stuff to her, even though I just don't feel the same way about it?
Friends (outside of the close-knit core of definites): Two main categories: People I invite to my parties but who I'm not very close to, or the people I used to be close to and come to my Halloween party every year, but never seem to reach out to me and I don't have much interaction with otherwise. If I do invite a few people in one of those categories, shouldn't I invited everyone who is in the same group with them cos they hang out together and they're all sort of in the same category? Or even invite everyone from the same category full stop? Just those two categories are so nebulous that it gets very confusing where the lines between them all are, it's very blurry. But then there's the people I don't invite to my parties because not all my friends get along with my other friends, and even though I'm sure they could all get along as adults for the sake of my wedding, there would still be that undercurrent of tension that would distract me on the day. And there's people I'm not close to, but would like to be, I just never seem to get the time to reach out the hand often enough to strengthen the friendship better. And because the lines are so blurry, the extra people in this category could be anywhere from 10, 30, or even maybe 50 people, which, when added in with the other confusing groups, most definitely pips the list over the 100 people that would be the limit as per our new possible venue. Added to which, again, Zig doesn't see why we should invite people who aren't part of our life, and I tend to agree, but it's a lot easier for him, he's mostly either close/good friends with friends/family, or they aren't - not by malicious design, but by natural effect of his personality type. No nebulous clouds of complicated relationships with friends for him! And how much interaction is required to draw the line between part-of-life and not? For some friends, I feel closer to them even though I only see them with year+ gaps in between than I do to people I see several times a year. This is the category I have the most trouble with - and also the one where I can see there's no point stressing too much yet because things can change so much, but I want to knoooooow and figure it ooooout better already.
I got time to think still, so I'm not really worried yet, it's just sorta confusing and frustrating, and so nebulous (that must be today's word) that it's hard to pin anything down, and I do like to have more cohesion and understanding and - dare I say it - a degree of control over things than that.
TL;DR
I write a whole big post about angst that wedding guest lists give, even though it's only mild for now, it just happens to be what I'm thinking about these last few days. And it all doesn't matter yet until May/June - and even then may not matter until up to six months before the wedding in June 2011.
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no subject
Date: 2010-01-22 01:52 am (UTC)It's just one of those things where it goes round and round in my head, and I know it doesn't matter yet, but I just can't quite let it go because it's a puzzle and puzzles are for solving. Like a dog with a bone *heh*