![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
An email to the boss
Thursday, July 27th, 2006 11:34 am
Heya,
I'm still not sure what I'm doing, if it's bad or it's good. I've been avoiding emailing you because I don't want to give an bad impression that I won't be better and thus have no job when I get back, but I also don't want to give a good impression that I will be better just in case I won't be cos then that's not fair on you.
Thing is, other than feeling like staying at home, and sometimes getting tired early afternoon, I feel fine. I feel like there is no issue. I can talk about any subject. The issue comes when I properly think about stuff, think of me in that position. The triggers are finance and work (lovely hm? why can't it be something mundane like vacuum-cleaning *heh*) Then I end up just crying and collasping into a mess. I've thus spent a lot of time doing nothing, avoiding thinking, hoping things will just go away with time. It's still an issue, but I feel that it has diminished a little. I don't know if that's truth or hope.
I think it would be easier if I had a broken leg or something. I would _know_ for sure what was wrong then, and would be able to tell if it was better or not. The fix would be laid out in front of me. Dealing with mental and emotional stuff is like dealing with shadows, is it real or not?
I called about my blood test this morning, it came back fine. I made another appointment with the doctor anyway. Want to mention that the tired seems to happen in the afternoons. I also want him to recommend a psychologist. They weren't on the book before, finance is a big problem for me right now. All the fixes I can think of involve money *sigh*. I was talking to a friend last night though, and he said that his
psychologist was free, and that I could probably get one under Medicare. If that's true, then money wouldn't be a problem anymore and I think they might be able to help. There's a whole subset of worry there, but I won't burden you with it.
At the last doctor appointment, towards the end he mentioned that if I was "feeling anxious" about work, then there were pills he could give me that would give me energy. Translation: most likely anti-depressants. He said that he didn't want to give them to me if he didn't have to, escpecially since I wasn't estactic about the idea, but if I was "still anxious about work" I should come back and get them. I've thought about them, but I don't think it would be an answer. Among other reasons, the only thing I get upset about is work and finance, if I was needing pills then surely I would be upset about everything, not just two key triggers. I feel it would be like plaster-casting a paper cut.
Anyway, I don't know how much sick/holiday I've got left. Just adds to more worry about stuff. Z suggested that I might ask for unpaid time off.
I'm not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, if time is all I
need, that would be great, escpecially since it's not terribly busy there at the moment. On the other hand, if time doesn't fix it then I feel like the oppurtunity to train someone new in the quiet time will have been missed. I know you said not to worry about you and Netplus, and just concentrate on getting better, but I can't help but worry about it. Worry is what I do, and all that stuff is connected in a big way to how I'm feeling right now.
I'm going to stop that subject now, because apparently I've crossed my line between just talking about something and imagining me there, and I'm starting on the slide of getting upset.
I'm sorry for dumping all this on you. I'm trying to figure it all out, and I'm trying to communicate it to Z and my parents and other people. It's funny, that for once my friends are more understanding and willing to accept than Z and my parents. I present well most of the time, I'm fine from the middle out, there's just a fast running current underneath. So they just see the fine bit and don't always get that the problem is a bit bigger than they think. Heck, even I look at me being fine most of the time and wonder if I'm just making a big deal out of nothing, if I should not just stop being stupid and go be normal like everyone else. Then I see the current, and I know I'm not being stupid. I just don't really know what's happening or what I should do. I'm kind of piecing it together slowly like a jigsaw puzzle.
Well. Leanne says you just got back from NZ, so you've most likely got ordering and stuff to catch up on, so I'll send this off later, maybe late this afternoon.
-Helen
He asked me to email/sms him every 2-3 days to let him know how I'm doing. I only sent two emails before this, both only 2-3 sentences long. I figured that it would probably be best to just lay all the cards on the table, and thus stop worrying about what to tell him.
Also, it says pretty much everything I would have updated about anyway, so cut and paste happened.
Whenever people contact me, the first thing they say is "so you're still at home then?" It's kind of annoying, although I suppose understandable. Yes, I'm still at home. No, the reason why I'm at home has not gone away yet. No, I haven't got anything further to say about it, I'm avoiding thinking about it for the reason that I fall apart when I do, and I still don't know what to do about everything.
I'm still not sure what I'm doing, if it's bad or it's good. I've been avoiding emailing you because I don't want to give an bad impression that I won't be better and thus have no job when I get back, but I also don't want to give a good impression that I will be better just in case I won't be cos then that's not fair on you.
Thing is, other than feeling like staying at home, and sometimes getting tired early afternoon, I feel fine. I feel like there is no issue. I can talk about any subject. The issue comes when I properly think about stuff, think of me in that position. The triggers are finance and work (lovely hm? why can't it be something mundane like vacuum-cleaning *heh*) Then I end up just crying and collasping into a mess. I've thus spent a lot of time doing nothing, avoiding thinking, hoping things will just go away with time. It's still an issue, but I feel that it has diminished a little. I don't know if that's truth or hope.
I think it would be easier if I had a broken leg or something. I would _know_ for sure what was wrong then, and would be able to tell if it was better or not. The fix would be laid out in front of me. Dealing with mental and emotional stuff is like dealing with shadows, is it real or not?
I called about my blood test this morning, it came back fine. I made another appointment with the doctor anyway. Want to mention that the tired seems to happen in the afternoons. I also want him to recommend a psychologist. They weren't on the book before, finance is a big problem for me right now. All the fixes I can think of involve money *sigh*. I was talking to a friend last night though, and he said that his
psychologist was free, and that I could probably get one under Medicare. If that's true, then money wouldn't be a problem anymore and I think they might be able to help. There's a whole subset of worry there, but I won't burden you with it.
At the last doctor appointment, towards the end he mentioned that if I was "feeling anxious" about work, then there were pills he could give me that would give me energy. Translation: most likely anti-depressants. He said that he didn't want to give them to me if he didn't have to, escpecially since I wasn't estactic about the idea, but if I was "still anxious about work" I should come back and get them. I've thought about them, but I don't think it would be an answer. Among other reasons, the only thing I get upset about is work and finance, if I was needing pills then surely I would be upset about everything, not just two key triggers. I feel it would be like plaster-casting a paper cut.
Anyway, I don't know how much sick/holiday I've got left. Just adds to more worry about stuff. Z suggested that I might ask for unpaid time off.
I'm not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, if time is all I
need, that would be great, escpecially since it's not terribly busy there at the moment. On the other hand, if time doesn't fix it then I feel like the oppurtunity to train someone new in the quiet time will have been missed. I know you said not to worry about you and Netplus, and just concentrate on getting better, but I can't help but worry about it. Worry is what I do, and all that stuff is connected in a big way to how I'm feeling right now.
I'm going to stop that subject now, because apparently I've crossed my line between just talking about something and imagining me there, and I'm starting on the slide of getting upset.
I'm sorry for dumping all this on you. I'm trying to figure it all out, and I'm trying to communicate it to Z and my parents and other people. It's funny, that for once my friends are more understanding and willing to accept than Z and my parents. I present well most of the time, I'm fine from the middle out, there's just a fast running current underneath. So they just see the fine bit and don't always get that the problem is a bit bigger than they think. Heck, even I look at me being fine most of the time and wonder if I'm just making a big deal out of nothing, if I should not just stop being stupid and go be normal like everyone else. Then I see the current, and I know I'm not being stupid. I just don't really know what's happening or what I should do. I'm kind of piecing it together slowly like a jigsaw puzzle.
Well. Leanne says you just got back from NZ, so you've most likely got ordering and stuff to catch up on, so I'll send this off later, maybe late this afternoon.
-Helen
He asked me to email/sms him every 2-3 days to let him know how I'm doing. I only sent two emails before this, both only 2-3 sentences long. I figured that it would probably be best to just lay all the cards on the table, and thus stop worrying about what to tell him.
Also, it says pretty much everything I would have updated about anyway, so cut and paste happened.
Whenever people contact me, the first thing they say is "so you're still at home then?" It's kind of annoying, although I suppose understandable. Yes, I'm still at home. No, the reason why I'm at home has not gone away yet. No, I haven't got anything further to say about it, I'm avoiding thinking about it for the reason that I fall apart when I do, and I still don't know what to do about everything.
