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Why I am not at work at the moment.
Monday, July 17th, 2006 07:58 amWell, what can I say?
Ok, this keyboard is weird. I am trying to type the contraction of "I am" and the apostrophe keeps bringing up the find function of Mozilla instead. Either it is a glitch or Z has set it that way on purpose (it is his computer) which either way is plain weird. Quotation marks work but the apostrophe does not.
Ok, so to type without contractions.
I am off work at the moment. The reason why is much easier to say that than type, but must be type nevertheless.
Sunday 9th July Z and I went over to a family afternoon tea, and on the way back I suddenly got tired. Remained tired up to an early sleep time. Slept for ...say 10 hours? A lot anyway. Woke up dead tired still. Dragged myself to work, zombied around, figured I had missed breakfast and should perhaps go have lunch as food could revive me. 1:15pm had a can of Winter Vegetable soup - yummy stuff - then laid my head down for a 5-10 min snooze. 1:45pm came, lunch break over. Legs? Legs will not support me, I can not stand up, and indeed feel a general lethargy and inability to control finer functions of movement. Somewhere along the line I start crying, loss of body control leaves one feeling very helpless. People start to notice me there, "go home" gets repeated often. Someone is kind and fetches my bag from the front so that I have my mobile. Try to call Z, straight to voicemail, sobbed a broken "maow, gimme call" out. SMS him to give me a call as soon as he can. 10 min later figure out that he is most likely in Bindoon working on the electronics of the rifle range still. Cry some more. Call mum and dad. Ah, the parents, always there when a daughter is on the phone crying and barely about to say two words together by this time. A game of 20 questions later, and they are on their way to Netplus. I sit there, halfway between awake and catatonia. Parents arrived out front. Cindy, the new girl, comes and tells me parents are there. Bear in mind I have been out back, so the guys know what has happened, but the sales girls have been out front and have no idea why I seem to be taking a bloody long lunch. A little while passes, Stephanie comes to tells me people are waiting for me out front. I try to stand up again, fail miserably, start crying, purposely fall often chair and start shuffle crawling. Start bawling, and suddenly mum and dad are there (someone must have let them in) and it is ok and they get me back on the chair. So, joy of joys, I then start shuddering and spasming and bawling my eyes out and generally presenting a mess to my work colleagues and probably freaking them out. Parents call Sylvia, who is among a great many other things, a naturopath, who said to get me and orange or mandarin, and then organise diluted apple juice. Mum went and asked around the office and came back with an orange. Halfway through the orange I could string a few more words together and had mostly stopped my shuddering. The theory was that I had low blood sugar and this caused the crash. Sat there and finished the orange juice, dad drove off to the shops and got me apple juice (lunch bars were closed by this time). Eventually after ages, I felt good enough to be able to shuffle walk while leaning on someone. All this time I kept worrying about leaving Leanne on her own out front (Stephanie had left) and how I needed to tell Shaw I was going and this that and the other. Surrendered to mum telling Shaw I was going - work mate had earlier told him I was crying and was sick. Dad drove my car home, and I sat with mum in her car. Mum says that Shaw said to take time off to get better and that. Got some Red Rooster from the local place for dinner, and by the time I got home I was able to walk unaided.
Phew, long post.
So I do crap all on Tuesday, keep my juice up and food up, and get scared whenever I feel myself getting tired, but generally do alright. Wake up on Wednesday and feel alright, so get ready for work. Dread work the whole time, until I finally call mum, who is the one I call when I feel conflicted about going to work. Chat to her about feeling physically well to go to work but really not wanting to, at some point start crying. Oh oh, tears indicate an issue tham simple not wanting to go to work. Parents were going to Bindoon, they go every so often and do a few oddjobs on the childhood farm, slowly clearing away old memories. They said call Shaw, tell him what you're feeling and that you won't be (hey! the apostophe just worked!) in today, we'll come and collect you and take you with us to Bindoon where you can have a break. Went to Bindoon, was tired on the way back and got scared, but mum says she always feels a little tired after a long trip to Bindoon. Thursday I feel fine, but decide to stay home anyway, which I took as an indication in itself that I was getting better. Friday I go into work. Tired, but I felt emotionally able to be there, and I had a week of work/emails to catch up on, and there was a staff meeting that night besides. Thought I was doing well enough, although not doing awesomely. About lunch time, Shaw - the boss - calls me into his office. He said he noticed I haven't been doing awesomely, and that he was prepared to give me as much time as I needed to get myself on my feet again, and that I wasn't doing him or myself any favours by pushing myself. I said that I had been feeling like I needed a holiday for the last month or so, but figured that I'd just sit around on the computer or something similar and just waste the whole day, so what was the point in taking a holiday. (Many things about a month ago had stressed me out -threw my back out bad, because I store my stress/tension in my shoulder and back muscles. I'm used to my back not being awesome though.) He said that I obviously wasn't at the top of my game at the moment, and that he had seen someone he knew who had many similar things to what he saw happening with me, and that they had ended up in a hospital for a month, and that he didn't want that to happen with me. I expressed that I did have some stuff going on, but I came into work that day because I thought I was able to handle being at work, and that I hadn't felt able to handle it through few days before, but I had mostly dealt with that. He said that he thought I was just compounding the problem (which I realised I was, but what can you do, you have to work, you have to earn money, I didn't really want to be there, but I can't just not go to work because I don't feel like it). He mentioned the person he knew again, and said that it had been a mental hospital they had ended up in, and that I'd been with his company for a while and he knew that I could be very good but lately I seemed to be up and down a bit, and he said that he thought there was a possibility I could be manic-depressive and I should go find help and get myself back on my feet. He said that he knows I'm good and wants me back when I'm on my feet, then he alluded to if I didn't get myself back on my feet he couldn't keep me forever, at which point I asked "how long?" He said it's not about that, don't concern myself with him or his company, just get myself well and better and just concern yourself with that. He wrote down the name of a doctor that he thought it might help me to see.
I went back out front and forwarded outstanding emails to Leanne, filled her in on the ongoing sagas that I had been dealing with, and asked Tim to organise auto-forwarding of my emails to Leanne, for when customers emailed me directly. I told her that I didn't know when I'd be back. Leanne asked if Shaw had been a prick, since I was biting back tears every so often. I said that he hadn't been, that what he said wasn't bad, just painful (cos it was true). Got everything together and walk out to my car. Thought I'd go over the parents Called parents, they weren't home. Called mobile and found out they were at Redcliffe on their way to Subicao. Promptly lost it, started crying buckets- oh, those long-suffering parents - to which they said I should come to lunch with them. I started crying more and not be able to handle things more. They said they'd call be in a minute, and called Sylvia. Called me back, said that Sylvia was about to conduct a workshop weekend in Dwellingup, and had suggested that I should go down with her. Sylvia is marvellous at talking people through issues and helping them releasing mental and emotional pain. I was bawling and didn't know what to do. Parents had quick convo and then said to stay where I was, they were coming to get me. They got there and asked me if I wanted to go with Sylvia. I couldn't answer. Then they asked me if I wanted to go home in my car or mum's car. I couldn't even answer a little question like that, I just get crying and crying. Eventually they get me out of the driver's seat and into the passenger's seat in my car, and we drive off. I stared out the window and slowly got composed. I was glad I was in the car with dad, because I didn't have to talk, whereas I would have been talking to mum and would still be in a state. Got home, started packing, was together enough to be able to think. Sylvia was leaving for south soon, and I needed to pack quickly to catch a ride with her. Z was in Bindoon again, out of range, so I couldn't tell him I was going. Sent him an SMS to say I was going for the weekend, and call mum and dad who would explain everything.
The weekend was good. I couldn't let go of my stuffed tiger the rest of Friday. I had mentioned that I had trouble sleeping lately, so Sylvia had brought something called Melatonin, which is like the flip side of seratonin, and just as needed. I took one that night. I was still tired the next morning, but feeling a little better. Still had my tiger, but I joined in with the workshop she was conducting. Started sorting out a few things that had been swimming around for ages and needed reviewing but I had never made time. About lunch time I was able to leave my tiger on the table and walk away without him. Took another melatonin that night, felt a lot better Sunday morning. Sylvia commented that I was sparkly again. :D I mentioned that I was scared that I was fine down in Dwellingup, but that I'd fall apart again when I got back to the "real world". We discussed and worked through that. Came back Sunday night, reached Perth about 5pm. Zig and I had a big conversation about many things.
So I am not at work today. I feel I have sorted a lot of stuff, but I still have a way to go and I need to re-think my plan of attack on life. My main worry that I'm working hard to avoid is financial concerns. It's hard to concentrate on myself when money is hanging over my head, but I have to ignore it otherwise I won't be able to get myself back to a stage where I can get money again. It's a reprieve - I don't want to go back into the same situation that cause my breakdown, but what else can I do? Society demands it. Anyway, I'm working through it and have a great many things to think about and review and who knows? Maybe I will find a solution that does right by me and does right by everyone else too.
Edit: Not LJ-cut because I think this is important.
Ok, this keyboard is weird. I am trying to type the contraction of "I am" and the apostrophe keeps bringing up the find function of Mozilla instead. Either it is a glitch or Z has set it that way on purpose (it is his computer) which either way is plain weird. Quotation marks work but the apostrophe does not.
Ok, so to type without contractions.
I am off work at the moment. The reason why is much easier to say that than type, but must be type nevertheless.
Sunday 9th July Z and I went over to a family afternoon tea, and on the way back I suddenly got tired. Remained tired up to an early sleep time. Slept for ...say 10 hours? A lot anyway. Woke up dead tired still. Dragged myself to work, zombied around, figured I had missed breakfast and should perhaps go have lunch as food could revive me. 1:15pm had a can of Winter Vegetable soup - yummy stuff - then laid my head down for a 5-10 min snooze. 1:45pm came, lunch break over. Legs? Legs will not support me, I can not stand up, and indeed feel a general lethargy and inability to control finer functions of movement. Somewhere along the line I start crying, loss of body control leaves one feeling very helpless. People start to notice me there, "go home" gets repeated often. Someone is kind and fetches my bag from the front so that I have my mobile. Try to call Z, straight to voicemail, sobbed a broken "maow, gimme call" out. SMS him to give me a call as soon as he can. 10 min later figure out that he is most likely in Bindoon working on the electronics of the rifle range still. Cry some more. Call mum and dad. Ah, the parents, always there when a daughter is on the phone crying and barely about to say two words together by this time. A game of 20 questions later, and they are on their way to Netplus. I sit there, halfway between awake and catatonia. Parents arrived out front. Cindy, the new girl, comes and tells me parents are there. Bear in mind I have been out back, so the guys know what has happened, but the sales girls have been out front and have no idea why I seem to be taking a bloody long lunch. A little while passes, Stephanie comes to tells me people are waiting for me out front. I try to stand up again, fail miserably, start crying, purposely fall often chair and start shuffle crawling. Start bawling, and suddenly mum and dad are there (someone must have let them in) and it is ok and they get me back on the chair. So, joy of joys, I then start shuddering and spasming and bawling my eyes out and generally presenting a mess to my work colleagues and probably freaking them out. Parents call Sylvia, who is among a great many other things, a naturopath, who said to get me and orange or mandarin, and then organise diluted apple juice. Mum went and asked around the office and came back with an orange. Halfway through the orange I could string a few more words together and had mostly stopped my shuddering. The theory was that I had low blood sugar and this caused the crash. Sat there and finished the orange juice, dad drove off to the shops and got me apple juice (lunch bars were closed by this time). Eventually after ages, I felt good enough to be able to shuffle walk while leaning on someone. All this time I kept worrying about leaving Leanne on her own out front (Stephanie had left) and how I needed to tell Shaw I was going and this that and the other. Surrendered to mum telling Shaw I was going - work mate had earlier told him I was crying and was sick. Dad drove my car home, and I sat with mum in her car. Mum says that Shaw said to take time off to get better and that. Got some Red Rooster from the local place for dinner, and by the time I got home I was able to walk unaided.
Phew, long post.
So I do crap all on Tuesday, keep my juice up and food up, and get scared whenever I feel myself getting tired, but generally do alright. Wake up on Wednesday and feel alright, so get ready for work. Dread work the whole time, until I finally call mum, who is the one I call when I feel conflicted about going to work. Chat to her about feeling physically well to go to work but really not wanting to, at some point start crying. Oh oh, tears indicate an issue tham simple not wanting to go to work. Parents were going to Bindoon, they go every so often and do a few oddjobs on the childhood farm, slowly clearing away old memories. They said call Shaw, tell him what you're feeling and that you won't be (hey! the apostophe just worked!) in today, we'll come and collect you and take you with us to Bindoon where you can have a break. Went to Bindoon, was tired on the way back and got scared, but mum says she always feels a little tired after a long trip to Bindoon. Thursday I feel fine, but decide to stay home anyway, which I took as an indication in itself that I was getting better. Friday I go into work. Tired, but I felt emotionally able to be there, and I had a week of work/emails to catch up on, and there was a staff meeting that night besides. Thought I was doing well enough, although not doing awesomely. About lunch time, Shaw - the boss - calls me into his office. He said he noticed I haven't been doing awesomely, and that he was prepared to give me as much time as I needed to get myself on my feet again, and that I wasn't doing him or myself any favours by pushing myself. I said that I had been feeling like I needed a holiday for the last month or so, but figured that I'd just sit around on the computer or something similar and just waste the whole day, so what was the point in taking a holiday. (Many things about a month ago had stressed me out -threw my back out bad, because I store my stress/tension in my shoulder and back muscles. I'm used to my back not being awesome though.) He said that I obviously wasn't at the top of my game at the moment, and that he had seen someone he knew who had many similar things to what he saw happening with me, and that they had ended up in a hospital for a month, and that he didn't want that to happen with me. I expressed that I did have some stuff going on, but I came into work that day because I thought I was able to handle being at work, and that I hadn't felt able to handle it through few days before, but I had mostly dealt with that. He said that he thought I was just compounding the problem (which I realised I was, but what can you do, you have to work, you have to earn money, I didn't really want to be there, but I can't just not go to work because I don't feel like it). He mentioned the person he knew again, and said that it had been a mental hospital they had ended up in, and that I'd been with his company for a while and he knew that I could be very good but lately I seemed to be up and down a bit, and he said that he thought there was a possibility I could be manic-depressive and I should go find help and get myself back on my feet. He said that he knows I'm good and wants me back when I'm on my feet, then he alluded to if I didn't get myself back on my feet he couldn't keep me forever, at which point I asked "how long?" He said it's not about that, don't concern myself with him or his company, just get myself well and better and just concern yourself with that. He wrote down the name of a doctor that he thought it might help me to see.
I went back out front and forwarded outstanding emails to Leanne, filled her in on the ongoing sagas that I had been dealing with, and asked Tim to organise auto-forwarding of my emails to Leanne, for when customers emailed me directly. I told her that I didn't know when I'd be back. Leanne asked if Shaw had been a prick, since I was biting back tears every so often. I said that he hadn't been, that what he said wasn't bad, just painful (cos it was true). Got everything together and walk out to my car. Thought I'd go over the parents Called parents, they weren't home. Called mobile and found out they were at Redcliffe on their way to Subicao. Promptly lost it, started crying buckets- oh, those long-suffering parents - to which they said I should come to lunch with them. I started crying more and not be able to handle things more. They said they'd call be in a minute, and called Sylvia. Called me back, said that Sylvia was about to conduct a workshop weekend in Dwellingup, and had suggested that I should go down with her. Sylvia is marvellous at talking people through issues and helping them releasing mental and emotional pain. I was bawling and didn't know what to do. Parents had quick convo and then said to stay where I was, they were coming to get me. They got there and asked me if I wanted to go with Sylvia. I couldn't answer. Then they asked me if I wanted to go home in my car or mum's car. I couldn't even answer a little question like that, I just get crying and crying. Eventually they get me out of the driver's seat and into the passenger's seat in my car, and we drive off. I stared out the window and slowly got composed. I was glad I was in the car with dad, because I didn't have to talk, whereas I would have been talking to mum and would still be in a state. Got home, started packing, was together enough to be able to think. Sylvia was leaving for south soon, and I needed to pack quickly to catch a ride with her. Z was in Bindoon again, out of range, so I couldn't tell him I was going. Sent him an SMS to say I was going for the weekend, and call mum and dad who would explain everything.
The weekend was good. I couldn't let go of my stuffed tiger the rest of Friday. I had mentioned that I had trouble sleeping lately, so Sylvia had brought something called Melatonin, which is like the flip side of seratonin, and just as needed. I took one that night. I was still tired the next morning, but feeling a little better. Still had my tiger, but I joined in with the workshop she was conducting. Started sorting out a few things that had been swimming around for ages and needed reviewing but I had never made time. About lunch time I was able to leave my tiger on the table and walk away without him. Took another melatonin that night, felt a lot better Sunday morning. Sylvia commented that I was sparkly again. :D I mentioned that I was scared that I was fine down in Dwellingup, but that I'd fall apart again when I got back to the "real world". We discussed and worked through that. Came back Sunday night, reached Perth about 5pm. Zig and I had a big conversation about many things.
So I am not at work today. I feel I have sorted a lot of stuff, but I still have a way to go and I need to re-think my plan of attack on life. My main worry that I'm working hard to avoid is financial concerns. It's hard to concentrate on myself when money is hanging over my head, but I have to ignore it otherwise I won't be able to get myself back to a stage where I can get money again. It's a reprieve - I don't want to go back into the same situation that cause my breakdown, but what else can I do? Society demands it. Anyway, I'm working through it and have a great many things to think about and review and who knows? Maybe I will find a solution that does right by me and does right by everyone else too.
Edit: Not LJ-cut because I think this is important.
