Tuesday, December 2nd, 2014

Just keep swimming

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2014 09:40 am
silverai: (Default)
Hi Dreamwidth/Livejournal,

It's been over two years since I've posted, and I've not bothered to read my friends list much in that time either. I've been hanging out with the cool kid, Facebook. Except I now have too many friends there, diverse enough friends on Facebook that I feel trapped there, that I can't post a great majority of what I think, feel, have opinions on, and so forth for fear that a friend will know it's about them, or a friend will think it's about them even if it's not, that a friend will self-identify with something and then our friendship will be hurt, or even that different segments of friends will get the wrong idea about me which will negatively impact my ability to act and contribute within real life groups.

In desperation, I have come back here, just so I have a place to vent. All my friends here have probably also moved on too, I dunno. It's still kinda public though, while being hidden away from the main part of my public life and the only people I've friended here and therefore hopefully the only people who know about this journal, I'm happy to have know this stuff, so this journal will do.

I have too much on my plate. So many different things on there. Things that once gave me joy and are now just additional heavy weights of responsibility and obligation, full of joylessness. I am also failing at fulfilling many of those responsibilities and obligations, which in itself is another heavy weight. Furthermore, I cannot see anything that I am willing to take off the plate right now, it is all things that I feel must stay on there.

I am currently surviving with the mantra "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" because logically it's the only thing to do; keep swimming forward and doing what I can, because not doing anything won't help the problem. I feel like it's hopeless though, that there's no winning, that failure in multiple avenues is inevitable. I am working to clear things off the plate - in another week one thing will be clear, and another month a second thing will be clear. Regardless, I feel like no matter what I clear off my plate, I will simply discover other things underneath to take its place. There is too much. I have other things that I should be adding to my plate in order to get ahead in life, and I find myself reluctant to add those things. Even though I will long-term benefit from them, because short-term (one year, heck even six months) it's all too much. The plate is creaking and I stopped being hungry a long time ago.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. But don't bother thinking it will all work out in the end, I'm tired of thinking that it will get easier or lighter. It's all a burden, and it sucks, and I'm tired of bearing the extra weight of making myself think it will be fine. It's not fine. It's hopeless. But I'm swimming anyway.

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silverai

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